Category Archives: Funny

A search results poem.

People find my blogs using the weirdest search queries. Of course, I expect a strange mixture of results since I blog about science, reptiles, religion, alternative medicines, heroes of mine, and random shenanigans I get up to. Recently a friend was sharing the stranger queries that found her blog and I showed her mine. It was then suggested that the quantity and bizarre nature of the search queries would lend themselves well to an epic poem. In a wonderfully productive way to spend an afternoon, I have constructed an epic poem written using only search enquiries from my two main blogs. Every line is a separate and complete search query that has found either this blog or my personal blog. Enjoy.

A Chimpanzee’s Memory.
Composed by Peter Harrison. Written by the people who searched for his blogs.

I question my existence.
What is my scientific name?
Rhacodactylus ciliatus?
Do I have powers?
Fire came out of my fingers.
I went to London.

The British Museum has a stairway with a statue.
It was a strange museum.
Images of rare ocean fish.
Pictures of anacondas eating people.
Photos of extraterrestrials.
Photo shoots of people at the beach.
Recent pictures of the Obama girls.
Space scenery.
An interesting museum.

They had animals.
Really strange animals.
Dolphins sleeping.
Dolphins sleeping with one eye open.
Fucking knackered.

Other bizarre animals.
Brain slugs.
The coolest parasites.
Every single starter Pokemon.
Green Iguana.
Blue Iguana.
How many types of Iguana are there?

Really strange animals.
Animals and cunts,
from the Cayman Islands.

There was a section for,
The most recognised names in mankind’s history.
Richard Nixon.
Good fucking grief.
Atheists won’t believe I speak to ex-presidents.
Neil Armstrong dancing.
I love the way you move, the way you walk inside the room.

I have so many questions but not enough time.
How can I tell if a religious person is a reptile?
Why do our bodies become lighter after death?
How long can I hold a python upside down before it breaks?
Will homeopathy help my penis?
Is Sarah Jessica Parker attractive?
How do you make a cake in the form of a camera?
Peace for all mankind tattoo?
Rubik’s cube tattoo?
Rowan Atkinson tattoo?

Government arresting psychics over earthquake prediction.
Is it worth predicting earthquakes knowing it might not be right?

Richard Dawkins.
His religious experience confronting ovaries.
Icelandic people and,
Endless Iceland,
Caused Dawkins to shut down his forum.

Peter Harrison vs Richard Dawkins
Please don’t pray for me.
Is Richard Dawkins dead?
Celebrate death.
Religion is funny.
Different forms of bullshit.

Lessons in life:

1. Everything is a miracle.


People with no genitalia.

2. Science has made god redundant.


Lizard eyelashes.

Robot dinosaurs.

3. Tweet in Japanese.

4. Don’t pee in the ocean.

Things that make me angry:
A distinct lack of morale in the shed.
A pink Rubik’s cube.
Why do blonde girls like pink?
How to tell if a toy is for girls or boys:
I stuck it in my eye.
Never again if they don’t pay.

Things that make me sad:
A chimpanzee’s memory,
He died from laughter.
A friend’s war cartoon,
Something that makes me smile but it’s not real.

Things that make me happy:
I’m a cowboy riding a dinosaur.
Riding a fucking dinosaur.
At least I can say I’ve lived.

AAARGH MY EYES! The Ugly Animal Preservation Society

Update: My animal won! The night was a sell-out and fantastic fun, thanks to all who came along! It was great to catch up with friends I hadn’t seen in a while and to make some new ones. The other acts were hilarious (and hideous), and Simon was a fantastic compere! My animal was Promachoteuthis sulcus, which isn’t very well known so doesn’t even have a common name. At the event, I proposed the “human-gobbed squid” or “gob-faced squid” to a large crowd. It was agreed at this event and at the Festival of the Spoken Nerd event on Friday that the animal should be known as the gob-faced squid. With several hundred people from these events now referring to it as the gob-faced squid, it’s the most common name it has as a relatively unknown creature! I’m happy and strangely proud that my animal won the evening. Here is the new mascot for the Scottish branch of the Ugly Animal Preservation Society:

This is a message for all the amazing people who have come to the brilliant Edinburgh International Science Festival. If you’re up for some shenanigans, and don’t have a weak stomach, come along to see us at the Ugly Animal Preservation Society! If comedy and nasty ugly are your things, you’ll be in a disgusting heaven!

As well as myself, you’ll see performers including Helen Arney (Uncaged Monkeys, Festival of the Spoken Nerd), Simon Watt (Inside Nature’s Giants), Steve Cross (Science Showoff), the guys from Punk Science, and more! It will be funny, interesting, and horrific in equal measure.

It’s on Wednesday night, 9pm-11pm. You can get all the details here!

2012 Ig Nobel Tour of the UK – Edinburgh

March is an exciting time! Not only do we have QEDcon in Manchester, but British Science and Engineering Week takes place between the 9th and 18th of March. I’ll be performing/speaking at a few events during this time, including a Science Ceilidh in Aberdeen on the 17th of March.

In conjunction with British Science and Engineering Week, March will also bring us the 2012 Ig Nobel Tour of the UK, visiting Edinburgh on the 16th of March. I’ll be providing a reading alongside other science/comedy types about previous Ig Nobel prize winners, strange and improbable research “that first makes people laugh, and then makes them think”.

It’s guaranteed to be both funny and interesting, so come along to Counting House at 7pm and be sure to reserve a ticket! The Edinburgh event is being hosted by Edinburgh Skeptics.

The History Of Man

I love this (although I do still cringe a little whenever I see “man” rather than humanity or similar).


Who has the most fun?

Volunteers Needed

How creationists see graphs

A little respect

(Video) Hovind owned by Molecular Geneticist

I’m taking a trip down memory lane. I love the giggles in the background during this clip. And I wonder how Hovind is doing these days.

CSETI announces first ever photo of extraterrestrial

First, let’s clear something up. SETI and CSETI are not the same thing. One does serious science, the other quite simply doesn’t. CSETI describe themselves as an “international nonprofit scientific research and education organization dedicated to the furtherance of our understanding of extraterrestrial intelligence.”

You’ve maybe heard of the founder of CSETI, Dr Steven Greer. He went to the interesting Maharishi University of Management, where they teach “consciousness-based education”. Sounds fun.

Read the rest of this entry

(Video) The Atheist Delusion

(Video) Rowan Atkinson: Amazing Jesus


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